quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Default)
So a good friend of mine came over yesterday and we talked Trek and rewatched the special features (and watched Devil in the Dark... again. I like how that episode is standard viewing).  Then we switched over to SPN (Changing Channels can change anyone's view on SPN I find) and we babbled for a while until she had to leave. It was good. It was odd. I realized how... out of touch I was getting with people, how awkward I feel inside. I am still that way somewhat on the internet. Sometimes, when people talk to me... I'm not sure what to say. There are a few people whom I can say just about anything and it works and I'm eternally grateful for that. Sometimes, I wonder... what do people look for in me? When people ask me to app for them, what drives that? Is it respect or something else? I do find the booking system that I've (well... other people really. I found myself going along with it) put in place is in surprising demand. I am touched, but mostly I'm just amused and confused.

I've been replaying Apollo Justice and I love Apollo. He is a geniune lawyer. He's smart! He knows the law! This is what he wants to do. He's not lovesick and dense (don't get me wrong, I love Phoenix Wright, but sometimes I just... cannot believe the man is a lawyer). And it's a joy to play Apollo Justice because he is believable (his backstory is not believable though, but I can take what I can get) and he's smart and for a seasoned player of lawyergames, it's good to know that he keeps up with your pace. I've been breezing through the game, but it's also the one I've replayed the most.

I've been very selfish lately. I will start curbing it. But I'm glad I could notice it and instead of going on a self-pity fest, I can do something about it. I've got therapy again next week and I think I have a lot to say. I still don't have a job and I don't have money, and that part of me is still bothered because everyone around me is so giving and I feel... I never give back. Money, why must you be an issue? I know nobody is materialistic enough, but I feel I should.. give back something, but nothing feels like it's enough. Hm. The best thing to do is ask, I suppose.

But it is good to know, despite all my setbacks... I have come a long way.

Also shameless pimping. I've been hooked on 8tracks. Go listen to my FSTs!
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Default)
So like. Sometimes, I look at my characters and I go, "Is this what I'm defined by?" But then sometimes, I feel comforted by the fact that they're not actually that easily definable. Sure, there are a few traits here and there (family craziness? check. codependency? checkcheck and so on), but ultimately there is no fucking way you can say Merlin and Leto are similar or Dean and Kirk, despite their ridiculous six degrees and same height and so on are the same. So, I have broadened my horizons in my RP. I do have a character type I'm more attracted to, for sure, but at the same time, I could go, "See that guy over there? I could play that."  I feel proud to say that now. I think a few years back, there was no way I could do that. But now, I can. Score!

Does anyone ever think about that? About being defined by the kinds of things they like? It's not a sore point, but sometimes I wonder how other people look at it. Do they see it as, "Fuck it's my type, I'm so boring" (which I used to do!) or "Dude, this is totally my type I love it!!!" etc, idk I'm just saying things randomly (without examples!!).

On another point, I like how my type apparently went from "ridiculously topped characters" to "girly-men". Also, I fiddled with my inksome so it looks decent and a mood theme! I am so proud!!! ... I have too much time on my hands!!
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (I defeated the god of death)
Nicked from [personal profile] corinthian 

give me a character and I will tell you my:

+ otp for them.
+ runner-up pairing.
+ honourable mention(s).
+ crack pairing(s).
+ ship everyone else seems to like, but I don't.

List of characters is here.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Envision the future)
It's funny how little things do still get to me. And while,  I get them under control, most of the time, I'm easily upset. I've learned better, to rationalize and waits things out. I have patience and I've learned to judge things equally. But sometimes,  and I suppose it is the same for all of us, that when someone has a negative opinion of a thing they love, it hurts. I've had people come to me and say there's nothing they love about SPN and well, SPN isn't in any way perfect, it's riddled with flaws, but I love it! And it hurts to hear things like that.

People are never the best judges. What other people love can be what other people hate. I'm guilty of it too when I talk about things I dislike. Hell, doesn't everyone bash Twilight? Even though we may have never read the books at all? I guess it applies to RP too, in its own way. I really want to change and stop disliking things because I don't understand them. I'm not sure if I can, but I'd like to. Maybe if I can make that small change, other things can change too. 

It does make me miserable when people can't enjoy what I can. I guess, in a way, it makes me feel like I've failed somewhere, that I'm not able to share it.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (I'll scratch your back)

Virgil Hawkins (Static Shock)
Aerrow (Storm Hawks)
Arisugawa Juri (Utena)
Shawn Spencer (Psych)
Oz Vesalius (Pandora Hearts)
Ogami  Makoto (Ghost Hound)
Speed Racer (original cartoon)
Speed Racer (movie)
Leto Atreides (Children of Dune)
Haruka (Tactics)
Dean Winchester (Supernatural)
Casshern (Casshern Sins)
Ikari Yui (NGE: Angelic Days)
Bumblebee (Transformers Animated)
Min Sun-woo (Antique Bakery)
Tokage (Tokage)
Merlin (Merlin)
James T. Kirk (Star Trek XI)
Valdrigr (Crimson Spell)
Reyson (Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance)
Barbara Gordon/Batgirl (Gotham Girls)
Shawn Hensen (Surrender Dorothy)
Pisces Albafica (Saint Seiya Lost Canvas)
Soma Asman Gadal (Black Butler)

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Backup)
Today is the day I will do things away from the computer!! And the internet!!

Well, hopefully. I didn't start the day off too well with a headache and minor queasy feelings to the stomach. Took my stimulants for the third time to see how that works out. No reply from Kino or that other place I applied for work. I was out for two hours in the sun doing errands for my mom and realized her direction sense was worse than mine. It was not a fun time and I was pretty close to crying from frustration but hey I DIDN'T and I was kinda proud of myself for that!! Small victories baby.

On the RP front, god, I feel so happy. Every little thing about being Kirk makes me happy. All my characters make me happy!! I don't have a single bad thing to say!! Me, on the other hand. I'm worried about being all over the place and being overly obnoxious. Which, I know, I have a tendency to do! And sometimes, when people say I'm popular in public, I feel so... ashamed /o\ like I'm attention-calling to myself and god, if I was the other person, I could totally imagine rage and jealousy. I play because...  I like to play. I play a lot because... I can and it's easy for me. I know that... not everyone can be as fast and manageable about it, but I've never seen that as a bad point with players either. I know people sometimes tell me "sorry I'm slooooow" and I'm like "THAT'S COOL" because it is! I just... I appreciate what every individual can do. Sometimes, I wonder if I would be a better player if I was slow but I don't think my patience could handle it.

Still dunno how I feel about micro. I  play the same characters there that I do in CFUD and Micro is always an on and off feeling for me. Sometimes, I love it there! Sometimes, I'm like "This is supremely boring." I really just want to get Thom. I could easily drop everyone for Thom. It's sad but true. I wouldn't though. I do love my CR a great deal. ... Wow I'm using the acronym CR. I'm really a weird kid now.

Randomly. I love people. I really do. I'm making a bigger effort to know people via gchat and various means, talking to them whenever I can and I feel like I'm really broadening myself and it's my little slice of pride during these times of zero success.

PS - Someone tell me who to app next round at CFUD. I'm waffling.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Default)
Since [personal profile] takefive made me think about it, I thought, hey, I should babble about RP thoughts too! Mind you, they're not organized succinct and deep RP thoughts, but whatever, I needed to update this journal anyway.

blather )
That was a fair amount of blather.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Default)
I want a magical time travelling device that will allow me to relive my weekends and somehow magically get my activity for twelve characters (for the record, I do pull it off amply! It's just.. tiring!). Having a set limit on my computer to do X amount of things is starting to wear me down in a bad way, but this weekend felt less stressful (so I say now anyway!!). Also the joys of having new canon, of seeing Sam and Dean and Cas on screen has really lifted my mood (er, well. AS WELL AS SPN CAN... LIFT MOODS IN GENERAL) and I've been spamming people left, right and centre over how much I love Dean, my forever dorrrrrk. And the new developments canon has been giving me has been living me a bit amazed (though I'm glad I called the LoTR thing before the episode aired. POINTS FOR ME). CFUD has now pretty much settled into my forever place and I haven't had a bad day with it in a while which is good! I still get the feeling I'm overextending myself or seeming brutish on the internet, but I guess I'll never know?

I thiiiiiiink right now, my problem is micro. Gosh, has it really been a year? And while I flagrantly ignore having sex in micro blah blah, I still enjoy playing there. I just find that my overall level of play has... dropped! Like I find myself making more typos or being too lax with the line between IC and OOC. It could be that the place is finally rubbing off me and that somewhat bothers me on an intrinsic level or I just... don't care anymore. Or I want to start with something fresh. I kinda feel bad for the people I play with, especially Reyson's castmates because I don't play enough or I just tag here and there and I'm not updated and in the zone!! Or I don't know, but I feel a little bad regardless.

nnnngh this post is kinda useless. OH WELL.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Default)
  • why I played this character.
  • my favourite moment in canon for this character.
  • my favourite piece of headcanon for this character.
  • something about this character which makes me laugh.
  • something about this character which makes me cry.
  • a different character I think I would get along well with this character.
  • what I miss most about playing them
  • Virgil Hawkins [DCAU/Static Shock]
  • Aerrow [Storm Hawks]
  • Shawn Spencer [Psych]
  • Arisugawa Juri [Utena]
  • Oz Vesalius [Pandora Hearts]
  • Haruka [Tactics]
  • Dean Winchester [Supernatural]
  • Ogami Makoto [Ghost Hound]
  • Speed Racer [Speed Racer - cartoon]
  • Casshern [Casshern Sins]
  • Ikari Yui [Neon Genesis Evangelion - Angelic Days]
  • Min Sun-woo [Antique Bakery - Korean Movie]
  • Bumblebee [Transformers Animated]
  • Tokage [Tokage]
  • Prince Valdrigr [Crimson Spell]
  • Reyson [Fire Emblem]
  • Pisces Albafica [Saint Seiya Lost Canvas]
  • Batgirl/Barbara Gordon [DCAU/Batman TAS]
  • James T. Kirk [Star Trek 2009]
  • Leto Atreides [Children of Dune mini series]
  • Speed Racer [Speed Racer - movie]
Not under a cut because it failed for me!!

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (A small chance at happiness)
I want to be shameless and pimp my Kirk/Spock RP threads a lot because they all border on ridiculous and complete awesome. I have the best fucking Spock ever and I adore playing Kirk because I can get away with being a total and complete prat, an idiot and a genius all at the same time.

Tell me that's not beautiful. I dare you. But if you're curious, context for these conversations is here.

[personal profile] namarie: I'm so dead
[personal profile] neverending: ..... y-you win
[personal profile] namarie: \o/ I'M SO DEAD
[personal profile] neverending: I HOPE YOU ENJOYED LIFE AS CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN
[personal profile] namarie: IT WAS A GOOD LIFE WHILE IT LASTED.

[personal profile] namarie: Spock you have me against the wall and you're lecturing me on appropriateness. Honestly.
[personal profile] neverending: ... well you provoked me
[personal profile] namarie: ... I like your logic
[personal profile] neverending: My logic is amazing

[personal profile] namarie: Oh god Spock your expression. I FEEL LIKE I JUST KICKED A PUPPY
[personal profile] neverending: YES YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD FOR MAKING HIM FEEL EMOTIONS!!11!!
[personal profile] namarie: ... okay when you put it like that, I don't feel so bad anymore.
[personal profile] neverending: ... Well. Damnit.

[personal profile] neverending: Why are we flirting?
[personal profile] namarie: idk but my natural disposition is set on flirt.
[personal profile] neverending: ...true enough

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (idk my bff prowl)
  • AHHH I PLAY KIRK AHHH okay I'm done
  • I. I honestly cannot understand people who use fanart for icons when they have ample canon material to use. Like. For Reyson, HE HAS TWO EXPRESSIONS VIA CANON so I have to use fanart, but for like. Shounen Jump characters or... any manga past fifty chapters, you should have no problem. It doesn't help that some of the art is just plain ugly :(
  • Slowly, but surely, I'm stepping out of my mold. I will explain this crypticness. Later.
  • I love [personal profile] neverending a whole damn lot.
I like how I spent most of my day like :( and when I came home, my dog loved me and I automatically was happy again. DOG THERAPY GUYS. It is unfailable.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (i kept my distance you kept my love)
Okay, so, I'm in this place where I hate myself as an RPer. Or I feel everything I say or do is coming out wrong. I thought I was over this stage already, honestly. I've done this for two years now and while I know I'm not the best of the best or anything spectacular, I've always liked the middle ground I've been in and enjoyed myself and the people around me and to me, that's what counts!

But lately, when I play, I keep getting the increasing feeling that I'm sliding downwards in some shape or form and people can't stand me. I'm not sure how assurances will make that feeling go away or whether it can. I do appreciate it when someone tells me that they like how I play or take the time to compliment me, I do! But right now, I don't know... is it enough? Or is there more I should be doing or looking out for? And this feeling keeps hitting me like a sledgehammer and sucking out my drive to enjoy myself and y'know when RP becomes a chore, what needs to be done.

Honestly... I think I just need to play somewhere different. Maybe at that Western-media RP that grangran pointed to me or the OC one dust liked. Maybe I need to get out of a familiar place and be in a new one to judge myself.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (You my good sir are a genius)
Doing this only for micro since CFUD stuff will go on one of my (many) CFUD rp journals. And by Micro, I just mean Oz because I suck at my others and don't play them enough :( This is mostly for [personal profile] neverending 's amusement.

Read more... )
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Here's hoping DC hasn't ruined this)
Okay, like [personal profile] telcontar, I too play the same character at different roleplays! And their development is still quite different, despite being the same character.

Also I was enabled and I'm shameless. WHAT'S NEW.

Read more... )

Not as tldr worthy as I expected but I'm satisfied.