quixotic | (no subject)

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I think if I hear the phrase, "the good old days" again, I might scream. I know that people have issues and so on, and it's their own and the fault of no one else's but every time I hear "remember how good it was back in the old days", I feel like that's a very defined finger being pointed at me. Because I'm not part of the good old days! Sure, I have been in CFUD for... two and three quarters of a year now, but I feel that means nothing. And well, it shouldn't matter how long I've been there or not, just like it shouldn't matter for new players coming in as well. But I get the feeling that in its own way, it does matter.

I spoke to Klavier once and something we said together struck me. Sometimes, we don't want to make our own fun, we want someone else to make our fun for us so we can just sort of hop on. That's why we have trouble with posts and drama etc. I do love drama and love highly complexed plots and so on, but I also remember the time I did engage in character drama and found myself very ostracised from people I was close to. It was a harrowing, hurtful experience and it took a great deal of time from both parties to recover from it (a year? close to that, I think). So I do put one foot in the tub going, yeah I want to do this headlong but I always have to remember those few months where I couldn't stop crying and I was sure everyone hated me for wanting that, for choosing that even.

I'm not letting my fears control me, which I count as a good thing. I do have some plots I want to run, specifically for the aussie hour when I can. I do want to do things, even if I find myself busy or blocked by something else. But I guess saying that and doing it is another thing altogether.

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What people seem to forget is that "the good old days" were also the "hugely OOC, crack-addled dumbass days". If we honestly went back to that format, it would be crap. I don't think it should matter either, but in terms of a game like this - or any long running something-or-other - there'll always be people who remember stuff from before others came along. And to be honest I think part of the whole "man I miss the old days" thing stems from the fact that for some players, we've been playing this thing for... well, it's coming up on five years now (CHRIST MY LIFE WHERE'D IT GO) and things cannot be as exciting in the fifth year as they were in the first. That's how it feels to me, at least.

I'm sorry to hear that about the drama, because I understand the impulse to throw characters into it. I want to do it all the time. But I also have had some very tense, upsetting times with RP and it does suck. Drama, though, has to be intercut with non-drama or it's just tiring.

And don't sweat it about not being able to get plans done as soon as you'd like. I'm still sitting on ideas from months ago; thing is, if you hang on to them, you know you'll do them eventually. Otherwise you'd just forget them soon enough.

I think we've improved greatly, I think, in terms of combining crack and plot together. The main problem I think people find is balancing that with the amount of characters they have and camp has. Which... is solvable! JUST DROP and focus on a few. I don't have that need to, so I can manage but for people who really want something strongly character driven it just... makes sense to drop some and give the few you have the time it needs. It's not gonna happen magically.

Yeah... too much of it can get tiring, I know.

I should make a list! I still want to do bartimes this weekend.

For sure. The things I did in my first year SHAME ME when I think about them. I'd never want to go back to that. I think another factor is that people liked the small size of it; truly, you could talk to every character in the game. But that's something that's not coming back, and if you want that, you join another game. That's what I did, and probably will do again.

If I did even half the dramatic stuff I come up with in my mind, all my characters would be dead and broken :')

Oooh.

You should come to pandoras! It's on DW! Or the campaudie that AJ is running. Those are nice and slow and plotty.

hahaha YEAH.

I'm looking forward to it.

When I looked at Pandoras it didn't seem to have a plot? It seemed like an organised DR to me.

There will be one soonish, I think.

I'll take another look then.

\o/

...wrong icon.

Icons are hard.

I agree completely with the first part.

I love drama but I'm really bad at starting plots and stuff, and I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't whine about my issues right now, but I don't think you should let your fears control you no matter what and I'm glad you won't let that happen. I'm sad I might not be able to be awake when you run those things, but you should and have tons of fun with them. ♥

I think it's fine to whine! I don't see anything wrong with whining. In fact, I think whining and letting issues out is the first best step in trying to figure out what to do.

Mostly I want to run them because Aussie hour miss out on a lot of things and it makes me feel bad for them, er, us. It's no fault of anyone's, but a timezone thing which sucks.

Hm, that's true. I'm just feeling very boring, among other things, right now. Being unable to sleep and being still in pain aren't . . . helping, either.

I know, honey. I'm glad you want to do it. It still makes me a bit sad, as ridiculous as that is.

Honestly, I would love to be boring, to be anything right now, if it just meant I could move forward with my life. But I don't think there's any such thing as a boring person.

. . . Honey. There's nothing wrong with you, and you can move forward. I'm sorry, my issues are ridiculously stupid. You're probably right, so it doesn't matter. You know I love you deeply, right?

Your issues are not stupid, honey. I'm just in that kind of mood right now, but don't sell yourself short because I'm depressed. I love you too, a whole lot and I know I'm partly responsible for the way you've been feeling. So keep talking to me.

Maybe they're not stupid, but there are more important things right now and it makes me feel really guilty. Why are you saying you're responsible for it?

Honey, what happens to you is always more important. Don't forget to put yourself first. I don't mind if you do, in fact, I encourage it. Also I've been feeling bad since you've been down the last few days and I haven't been able to do much about it.

I'm not sure if I can put myself first, I really don't know how. And honey, don't feel bad. I'm just... maybe it'll go away on its own, it's probably just insecurity and you do a lot. It doesn't mean you should feel responsible for it.

Still, you should! Because the best person to look out for you... is you! It works out better in the long run. And I don't know if it'll go away on its own, but see if there's something you could do that might help? I don't think I'm responsible for it, but I'm pretty sure I can ease it a little.

You went to bed, but. It's hard because I tend to care more for others than I care about myself, but I guess I need to find a way because you're right. I think I just feel very uninteresting lately, and there are certain things that are making me feel horribly paranoid and insecure but I don't want to talk to the person involved yet (because I don't talk much with them and idk). I'm not sure how to feel more interesting though, it might be JUST A FEELING. I'll try to work on it somehow, it makes me feel bad because I usually need reassurance to stop feeling that way and I hate that.

I got pointed over here, and... hon I really hope that nothing I have said has contributed to this. That's really not how I feel about camp or the players.

....wtf inksome, I am logged in.

Oh I know that! I know a lot of people who did these kind of posts, honey, you weren't the only one. This is just the feeling I get when I see them. I know that's not the intention behind them at all.

Fff, still. I consider the rut I'm in to be completely my on fault, nothing to do with camp itself. A-And you are someone I really enjoy playing with and some of those posts have really bothered me too, more than I've ever said so... yeah. I don't want to contribute to that mentality.

I love you darling ♥ And I'm sure whatever rut it is, you'll figure it out. Mostly, it's just my feeling I got from some posts (not from yours actually. I had been thinking about it for a while now).

♥

♥!

... nice icon.

It's from a fanart I saved a long time back.

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