Chasing those wayward dreams

Avengers 2 trailer comes out with whitewashed characters
Fans: Wow I'm so excited for this movie!

Fantastic Four teaser comes out with a black main character
Fans: Ugh Fox sucks they should just give to Marvel.

I don't like MCU fans. It is nebulous and large and full of opinions, so it's not surprising but it's hitting a point where I just hate everyone who is into it. In a way, I'm glad I play Loki in a small quiet corner with non MCU rpers and people because they support the most ridiculous logic to dismiss other people's tastes. And I am furious that a movie where a black character is playing a extremely popular character is automatically dismissed just by the teaser.

And no, Agent Carter does not make it better.

Sometimes I wish fandom wouldn't make me hate the MCU. "Wow it's so progressive!" "Look how relevant and deep this is!" is getting more and more difficult to parse every day. And nothing is me ingratiating than people telling me how valid it is and how it applies to my life.

Because apparently everyone on the internet is American.

Unpopular opinion: I think plurk sucks at a social networking site.

Things I need to do!

- WRITE!!!
- Study for exam
- Finish homework
- Haggle fee between the MOE and Kaplan
- Get more tutoring jobs

Things I want to do!

- Make icons
- WRITE!!!
- Finish my app
- Do some essays (like the compare/contrast one on Stefan/Damon and Dean/Sam)
- Rewatch STXI, Supernatural, and Merlin

Things I'm doing!

-NONE OF THE ABOVE

I am the most productive person.

I have a well of anger I am trying to control. I am a Singaporean. I am also an Indian. I don't belong in India. I don't belong in Singapore. I don't have a community, I don't have a base, I don't have those things I used to have when I was younger. As much as I understand the West, I will never be part of it and the same goes to the East.

I want to talk about Gandhi. I want to talk about the home he lived in, the same home I lived in. I want to talk about my visit there, looking at the tiny panels depicting his life and the spinning wheel that remains untouched since his departure. I want people to understand there's a reason why we call him Mahatma in India. I want to talk about Hinduism, the dirty parts that stay with me, the times school was cancelled midway and the trips back home where I worried if a riot would come and destroy the bus. I want to explain how Ganesh is worth studying, but Ganesh worshippers took their idols to the sea and turned it grey.

I want to talk about the ugly things, the poor things, the orphanages I worked in, the mental houses I did charity work for. I want to talk about how literal the expression starving children on the street is because that was my life a long time ago.

Gandhi is not cooler than moe Hitler or Nazis, fandom, I know. Hinduism still looks nice on paper... I know. The only thing I can do is share. I can't make a point. I can't change anything. But I think, I will write a little bit here and there, and maybe, it'll mean something.

I am a fuckwit.

Because I fail at relating with people. When people talk about their childhoods, I clam up, not because my childhood was bad, just because there are times I think it just hurts to try and relate them with others. So I shut up and fail at communication or mingling or whatever. I fail at showing pictures because I'm shy, I'm not particularly photogenic, I don't want people to get too close to me, I guess.

But I fail mostly because I thought at least with someone I knew in real life, that I'd be there, and have fun and be myself and not be constantly terrified of being hated, of not being the same person that I used to be. I'm terrified because I am so lonely and all I have at the end of the day is my rp and my computer and that's it. That's all. And I am a freak for being that kind of person. I'm a freak because I have nothing and no one.

Today, I fail because I thought she was leaving tomorrow and she left today. I didn't even say goodbye. I couldn't do that much.

Because I am a fuckwit.

I am going to rant! Ye have been warned all who enter here. Also this is not directed to anyone! Let me very specific here. This is not addressing an incident, but myself mostly.

( Read more... )

To do list

- Finish app
- Study!!
- Do reading log
- Stop failing at communication
- Go beat Victory Road instead of continuously training (seriously self, I think you'll be fine, just do it)
- Maybe save up for an mp3 player
- Take crazy medicines more often.
- Beg dad to pay for my RP accounts if I can. If not, it's time to beg elsewhere (I hate, hate, hate doing this and I can't express words for the people who pitch in for me all the time. I just wish I had the freedom to do this on my own)
- Finish the essay for Dante and then start a second one for Dean. Oh, and finish codependent essay for Haruki
- State of the Union for my characters.
- Play George.
- There's more stuff here but I forgot what.

crankcrank.

Let's talk feelings again.

This week has been a weird week for me because I had been so looking forward to my time to myself, to do things that I like, but I'm not the kind of person who should have too much of a good thing. It doesn't do well with my conscience and the stuff I could have done, the more productive things, I was lax on and I felt bad for it and that badness just sort of further stressed me out. I didn't sleep well. I was upset frequently and defensive. I think, next week (depending on how I finish my activity. If I don't, I think I won't app this round. I can handle that), I might just not come online. Take a break from everything, work on things. My unis get back to me next week too. Perhaps finish my writing!

I met Klavier today! And yesterday too! And it sort of hit me how utterly hopeless I am at entertaining people. I just sort of go "SHALL WE WATCH THIS? OR THAT?". I really don't know how to talk much if I'm not talking about something I like! It was worse for me yesterday where I just sort of felt out of place. I dunno, I've never asked ex-Frau or Toph if they have ever felt... weirded out by me or uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable with myself! It's not a stretch that they would too.

Maybe I am still lonely. I need a job. My last one didn't work out, I need to try again. I need to study, I need to meet people. I need to actively work on these things and I think, I need to cut down on my characters at RP. It's not like I can't manage them, I can. But I think it's time I managed things... life better? I guess? I'm not sure what would help (I probably won't drop people for that reason, but. I should at least consider it).

I think I will rewatch Utena at some point.