quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (The Magnificent)
Ganesh Chaturti - Log

- Emotionally, I've been very meh. Meh about things I like, meh about my RP, meh meh meh. It's a bad state and I don't like it.

- I've been listening to some old Hindi music soundtracks that I loved back in the day. I don't know much of the new stuff, though I should check anything A.R. Rahman puts out. He was my favourite composer. I mean, I love Ramta Jogi.

- I am tempted to do some writeups on shows I'm watching. Like a female appreciate post per week on the characters in Vampire Diaries, or maybe a Community FST. Hell, I want to churn out fics again. Go go being involved in fandoms again!

- WHY IS MY HOUSE SO QUIET AUGH. Though I love how my maid and I sort of chill, me on the comp and her in my folk's room watching Tagalog movies.

- Also man I use my tumblr ALL THE TIME. I don't know how this happened! Also, other people seem to find me and follow me! ... I don't know how that happened either?

- As a person, I have noticed I go back and forth on being empathic and patient to being a jerk! Or it could be my paranoia at work (it seems to be rearing its head lately). I might poke people and ask "IF I AM BEING UNCOOL PLZ SAY SO". 

- How does one get better at communication anyway? I feel out of sorts on that front.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Wishing you joy)
I have a well of anger I am trying to control. I am a Singaporean. I am also an Indian. I don't belong in India. I don't belong in Singapore. I don't have a community, I don't have a base, I don't have those things I used to have when I was younger. As much as I understand the West, I will never be part of it and the same goes to the East.

I want to talk about Gandhi. I want to talk about the home he lived in, the same home I lived in. I want to talk about my visit there, looking at the tiny panels depicting his life and the spinning wheel that remains untouched since his departure. I want people to understand there's a reason why we call him Mahatma in India. I want to talk about Hinduism, the dirty parts that stay with me, the times school was cancelled midway and the trips back home where I worried if a riot would come and destroy the bus. I want to explain how Ganesh is worth studying, but Ganesh worshippers took their idols to the sea and turned it grey.

I want to talk about the ugly things, the poor things, the orphanages I worked in, the mental houses I did charity work for. I want to talk about how literal the expression starving children on the street is because that was my life a long time ago.

Gandhi is not cooler than moe Hitler or Nazis, fandom, I know. Hinduism still looks nice on paper... I know. The only thing I can do is share. I can't make a point. I can't change anything. But I think, I will write a little bit here and there, and maybe, it'll mean something.


Apr. 16th, 2010 11:36 pm
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (So demons are real!)
- Got into Murdoch/Kaplan's Bachelor of Psychology! 

- Might also apply to British Council's teaching courses to pass the time.

- Need to get a job!

- Need to write more.

- James Cook University is having their open day tomorrow! sob so much for my free time this weekend.

- 66/100 icon slots filled!

- I said this on my lj, but I fucking love Supernatural.

- Watched Prince Caspian! Which I enjoyed! I really do like what the movies have done with the books, because face it, as much as I loved the books, character development/substance wasn't very strong in the first two (but great in the Dawn Treader, so if Hollywood fucks that one over, I'll never forgive them for it :D). Reepicheep was suitably badass, Peter the prick was delightful, Edmund was adorable and I really wish I could like Susan more but I just can't seem to.

- One of the things that I thought about recently and it used to crop up in fandomsecrets a lot was the argument about westerns playing eastern characters/countries/etc. And I talked about this with a few people about how bizarre it was to me. I'm from the East! I've lived my entire life in the Easter hemisphere! Yet, I am more inclined to playing Western characters. To be fair though, I had a strong anglicized background which ostracised me from my peers for about... a good twelve years of my life. I have lived a life being a part of both worlds and never truly understand either one completely. I wonder what that says about me....

- Gosh, DW giving me paid time was a great ploy. :( I want to update every hour because of my new icons.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (I defeated the god of death)
I realized that the words dose/thosa will never stop being weird to be because no one in India actually calls them that.

It's dosa. sob. It ranks up there with things that bug me irrationally.

The other one being chai tea. (chai is hindi for tea, so sticking those two words together sounds like ...tea tea to me and it is utterly redudant)

So my mom was like "Do you want friends over for christmas?" and I broke into tears. I can't even think about it without breaking into tears. Also I got three hours of sleep and it shows.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (I defeated the god of death)
I've always wanted to ask people; who do they consult when they feel insecure or lost?

When people watch Bollywood movies, they would know that we consult a brahmin to check the auspiciousness of the days and through his own craft (which I'm not sure of the details, so I will avoid commenting on it). You'll find that even my life doesn't escape this little detail of seeing our fate in the stars and whatnot. My parents, modern and accepting people that they are, pay a psychic to check our house.

Yes, a psychic.

We've had feng-shui experts come through as well, to see if our furniture is not disturbing our sleep or not. You cannot come to Singapore and escape feng-shui, guys. You may never see a direct sign of it, but it's everywhere. Nothing is built and placed in Singapore without that simple fact. Isn't that amazing? I think it is. I also think it's somewhat frightening how important it is.

So, how is it done in the West? Is there anything similar? I honestly do not know.

In other news! Sometimes, I feel like a failing fail thing. Like I play deep and insightful characters! From developing and ongoing canons! And people have so much to say and it's all very interesting and I feel I just... come short. I don't know what to say! I just have a deep and simple joy when it comes to things. I don't think, I just enjoy. And it's making me feel a little miserable that it's enough? And it shouldn't be? Idek.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Did someone say shotgun?)
Dear people of India,

Get it through your thick skulls that fireworks are bad news. Always.

Fuck you.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (I defeated the god of death)
Honestly, if there was one song, only one song that inherently unfailingly reminded me of India.

It'd be this one.

No song for me ever had the passion, the liveliness and the beat to drum on like this song. It came out when I was a teenager and I've been in love with it ever since. It's never moved from my playlist and it never will. If I ever wanted to get up and dance and yell out for joy, it would be to this song.

I can translate some snippets of the song myself, but not the whole thing (honestly there are parts which make me go "Am I understanding that correctly??"). But I was listening to it again and one part stuck out for me.

Tum ho meri main tumhara
Chhota sa sansar hamara
Age jaane Ram kya hoga

This is the translation (by moi)

I am yours and your are mine
We all live short lives
Coming and going [not sure about this but "age jaane" sort of means to come and to go]... what happened to Rama?

It's an interesting verse when it asks that. An equally interesting one if anyone who has read the Ramayana beyond the successful retrieval of Sita and what became of her later. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone has ever compared Sita and Helen since they both faced similar problems. But then I realize that Sita was worse off in so many more ways, so I stop following that train of thought.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Did someone say shotgun?)

Man, the internet really does have everything. Translations can be located in the previous post. Maybe I can find the rest of the Vedic chants I learned in school...

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (If you glanced my way)


Prabhujee Dayaa Karo
Maname Aana Baso. [I used to sing this line as "Mann-uh-me aane baso" but it's been a while]

Tuma Bina Laage Soonaa [sob I thought it was Jaage. MY MEMORY FAILS ME?]
Khaali Ghatame Prema Bharo.

Tantra Mantra Poojaa Nahi Jaanu
Mai To Kevala Tumako Hi Maanu.

Sare Jaga Me Dhundaa Tumako
Aba To Aakara Baahan Dharo.

English Translation

Oh, Master, show some compassion on me
Please come and dwell in my heart.

Because without you, it is painfully lonely
Fill this empty pot with the nectar of love.

I do not know any Tantra, Mantra, or ritualistic worship
I know and believe only in you!

I have been searching for you all over the world
please come and hold my hand now.

Translations were found here. It's not inaccurate, though some parts struck me as odd ["Khaali Ghatame" suggests more of an empty place within ourselves, but I guess in English it sounds better?] . There's also another verse between "prem baro" and "tantra" which is kinda like a chorus verse of "Oh Prabhuji~ Prabhujiiiiiii".

Maybe I'll find a vocal version of it later.