quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Wishing you joy)
I have a well of anger I am trying to control. I am a Singaporean. I am also an Indian. I don't belong in India. I don't belong in Singapore. I don't have a community, I don't have a base, I don't have those things I used to have when I was younger. As much as I understand the West, I will never be part of it and the same goes to the East.

I want to talk about Gandhi. I want to talk about the home he lived in, the same home I lived in. I want to talk about my visit there, looking at the tiny panels depicting his life and the spinning wheel that remains untouched since his departure. I want people to understand there's a reason why we call him Mahatma in India. I want to talk about Hinduism, the dirty parts that stay with me, the times school was cancelled midway and the trips back home where I worried if a riot would come and destroy the bus. I want to explain how Ganesh is worth studying, but Ganesh worshippers took their idols to the sea and turned it grey.

I want to talk about the ugly things, the poor things, the orphanages I worked in, the mental houses I did charity work for. I want to talk about how literal the expression starving children on the street is because that was my life a long time ago.

Gandhi is not cooler than moe Hitler or Nazis, fandom, I know. Hinduism still looks nice on paper... I know. The only thing I can do is share. I can't make a point. I can't change anything. But I think, I will write a little bit here and there, and maybe, it'll mean something.


Apr. 16th, 2010 11:36 pm
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (So demons are real!)
- Got into Murdoch/Kaplan's Bachelor of Psychology! 

- Might also apply to British Council's teaching courses to pass the time.

- Need to get a job!

- Need to write more.

- James Cook University is having their open day tomorrow! sob so much for my free time this weekend.

- 66/100 icon slots filled!

- I said this on my lj, but I fucking love Supernatural.

- Watched Prince Caspian! Which I enjoyed! I really do like what the movies have done with the books, because face it, as much as I loved the books, character development/substance wasn't very strong in the first two (but great in the Dawn Treader, so if Hollywood fucks that one over, I'll never forgive them for it :D). Reepicheep was suitably badass, Peter the prick was delightful, Edmund was adorable and I really wish I could like Susan more but I just can't seem to.

- One of the things that I thought about recently and it used to crop up in fandomsecrets a lot was the argument about westerns playing eastern characters/countries/etc. And I talked about this with a few people about how bizarre it was to me. I'm from the East! I've lived my entire life in the Easter hemisphere! Yet, I am more inclined to playing Western characters. To be fair though, I had a strong anglicized background which ostracised me from my peers for about... a good twelve years of my life. I have lived a life being a part of both worlds and never truly understand either one completely. I wonder what that says about me....

- Gosh, DW giving me paid time was a great ploy. :( I want to update every hour because of my new icons.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (I defeated the god of death)
I realized that the words dose/thosa will never stop being weird to be because no one in India actually calls them that.

It's dosa. sob. It ranks up there with things that bug me irrationally.

The other one being chai tea. (chai is hindi for tea, so sticking those two words together sounds like ...tea tea to me and it is utterly redudant)

So my mom was like "Do you want friends over for christmas?" and I broke into tears. I can't even think about it without breaking into tears. Also I got three hours of sleep and it shows.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (I defeated the god of death)
I've always wanted to ask people; who do they consult when they feel insecure or lost?

When people watch Bollywood movies, they would know that we consult a brahmin to check the auspiciousness of the days and through his own craft (which I'm not sure of the details, so I will avoid commenting on it). You'll find that even my life doesn't escape this little detail of seeing our fate in the stars and whatnot. My parents, modern and accepting people that they are, pay a psychic to check our house.

Yes, a psychic.

We've had feng-shui experts come through as well, to see if our furniture is not disturbing our sleep or not. You cannot come to Singapore and escape feng-shui, guys. You may never see a direct sign of it, but it's everywhere. Nothing is built and placed in Singapore without that simple fact. Isn't that amazing? I think it is. I also think it's somewhat frightening how important it is.

So, how is it done in the West? Is there anything similar? I honestly do not know.

In other news! Sometimes, I feel like a failing fail thing. Like I play deep and insightful characters! From developing and ongoing canons! And people have so much to say and it's all very interesting and I feel I just... come short. I don't know what to say! I just have a deep and simple joy when it comes to things. I don't think, I just enjoy. And it's making me feel a little miserable that it's enough? And it shouldn't be? Idek.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Poutymcpouty person)
I am unreasonably annoyed! The unreasonable part is unreasonable and I'm aware of that, but somehow that doesn't really help that queasy part of my stomach where I feel sick all over because in the back of my mind, I feel more responsible than anyone else. And sometimes I wonder if I am truly capable of making good decisions at all. Or are all my decisions some kind of parody, they only seem good and fun and they are as fleeting as the day?

Hopefully this will resolve itself nicely tomorrow. Hopefully.

Right now though, I'm still unreasonably annoyed.

The other is; a fan was complaining about leaked episodes and advised that others should "wait for the rest of the world". I live in Asia. The rest of the world? The world you're thinking about, no doubt? Is the West and only that. Did it ever occur to you that there are people outside the United states who (shockingly) watch the same things you do? That they don't have that opportunity to wait? Considering how laid back I can be about certain issues and someone who has to "wait" and still end up buying my canons and whatnot, that particularly needled me. I'm not one to get angry, but this piled on a bad mood and just unnecessarily pissed me off. Your luxury is not our luxury.

It's a good thing you listened. God help you if you hadn't.

Nnnngh guys, I'm so angry with all this pent up aggression and I am just. Plain not happy with myself right now.


quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Default)
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