(no subject)

It's sad, but I deeply miss sitting in a cafe, with a few friends, sitting and just talking for hours on end, eating cakes and drinking coffee. It shouldn't be so hard! It feels hard. I never realized how deeply I miss it. I look at cafes with the sort of wistful longing expression you'd imagine on a teenage girl hoping for a boyfriend. I miss those too. I was crap at relationships and I know why. It didn't help that my father was against them on principle (You didn't love them! Yes, dad, I knew that. Though, it's not entirely true. I did loved them in my own way). Thinking about romance now... I'm glad I'm not interested in it, but I do miss the companionship aspect. But really, I think it means I want someone to cuddle and hug and drape all over (I do this. All the time. Poor Toph and Frau look so zapped sometimes). Just to hold hands and lean your head on their shoulders.... that's romance to me. That's love. And while I'm self-centered in my own way, always wanting and hardly giving, that doesn't mean I love anyone any less.

 A  while back people talked about crushes and I was thinking about how I've never truly crushed on someone. ... Okay, I crushed heavily on my first boyfriend, but that was... puppycrush and god, I felt so bad when I moved to Singapore and didn't keep in touch (hilariously, he was my best friend's brother and my best friend spent a good deal of time hitting on me. She was, in our ridiculous codependent way, my soulmate. I've lost her now and I imagine she's doing wonders with her life, becoming a teacher. I still love her and miss her, even if she doesn't miss me ... or fails at keeping in contact.). To me, I skip the crush part, really. I just sort of... throw myself straight into love, into wanting to know a person more, into caring for them. It's a headlong, headrush and definitely not a smart thing to do, but I can't see myself doing anything else. I've come a long way, I know it. I think of the person who groveled, who tried to use platitudes to fix things instead of fixing things. I'm no longer that. I've learned to take action, both in the real life and on the internet. Now ... I am satisfied. I'm sure there are things I could improve, make better, but I'll take that slow and build up my courage. 

I think it's good though, that I can recall the past. Not for the worst, not for the mistakes, but for the tiny moments in between. If there was love before, there can be love again. Sometimes, I think of Bonita, and her fickleness and the way she hurt me, but I left that hurting part, that need for any kind of revenge. She was never as lucky as I was.

Gosh, that sounded so pretentious. Ah well. I think I can give myself that for once.