quixotic | (no subject)

I am a fuckwit.

Because I fail at relating with people. When people talk about their childhoods, I clam up, not because my childhood was bad, just because there are times I think it just hurts to try and relate them with others. So I shut up and fail at communication or mingling or whatever. I fail at showing pictures because I'm shy, I'm not particularly photogenic, I don't want people to get too close to me, I guess.

But I fail mostly because I thought at least with someone I knew in real life, that I'd be there, and have fun and be myself and not be constantly terrified of being hated, of not being the same person that I used to be. I'm terrified because I am so lonely and all I have at the end of the day is my rp and my computer and that's it. That's all. And I am a freak for being that kind of person. I'm a freak because I have nothing and no one.

Today, I fail because I thought she was leaving tomorrow and she left today. I didn't even say goodbye. I couldn't do that much.

Because I am a fuckwit.

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Oh god, honey. I wish I could've been here early in case you needed someone to talk to.

I understand how awful it is to feel alone, I feel that way sometimes, I felt that way for years, but it doesn't make you a freak. You're not a freak. Being alone doesn't make you a freak. One day that will change, I am sure of it. I know it's not the same, not having people IRL you can see more often, but at least there are people who care deeply about you. I care deeply about you and I'm completely sure I am not the only one. What happened doesn't make you a fuckwit or a failure or anything, honey. Sometimes people get scared and there's nothing wrong with it, okay? You're a wonderful person who deserves everything.

See, I'm babbling at you because I miss you and I wish I could've been here to be some kind of support. I don't think you have nothing, you know? I really don't think so. I love you, I hope you're feeling better tomorrow and if you need anything, you know you can talk to me.

You are not a freak for being lonely. Or a terrible person for being forgetful.

[hugs]

I dunno, there might be some disagreement there. Because everyone telling me how I manage my 13 something characters really makes me feel "at home".

Mmm.

Do you want to talk, honey?

idk. I didn't sleep well and I've been crying all morning.

I was wondering, I've been worried about you. You know I don't mind listening, maybe it will help you.

Maybe.

. . . Ignore them, honey. So you play a lot of characters? SO WHAT. It doesn't mean anything.

Well, I play who I want... it's just.

I'm going to bother you on gchat, then. ♥

Just?

Judgemental I suppose? I must be crazy for playing +characters.

RP world is kinda filled with INSECURITY!!1! I think you do a good job with what you got, and I regret that timezones + brain means that we don't play more. You are not crazy for playing +characters, you're just suited for it.

That makes sense ♥ thank you.

Just because you can handle more characters than most people and be active with all of them doesn't make you a crazy person. Everyone is different and it means you can handle more, that's all. As long as you're happy and doing what you want to do, nothing else really matters. And it's not like you're not sleeping or playing all the time, you do other stuff.

No problem, hon. ♥

Outside of eating, sleeping and maybe other things, I don't... do much.

You're studying right now, honey. I could remind you to go back to writing, too. That's something.

mmm.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. There's nothing wrong with playing a certain number of characters.

No, and I honestly don't think there is. Idk, my brain hurts.

Mmm. Maybe a nap will help you?

Still too early for that. I think I'll just do/watch stuff.

That's also a good option, but drink some water at least.

I think that's an honest mistake anyone can make, and you aren't terrible for it. They won't think so either. Contact them when next you can, computer or otherwise, and apologise for it.

I hope you feel better today.

They know, but. Meh.

♥

::hugs:: Gahhh, I've done things like that. Doesn't it make you feel *pathetic*. :( :( :( :( :(

Fwiw, I think that online stuff is every bit as valid and meaningful as rl. More so, in some cases, especially since there are things you can say and do online that you can't do irl, purely because of the methods.

I know that doesn't help when sometimes all you want is to have someone face to face with you who *gets* you and can hug the hell out of you when you're upset. I wish I could do that for you right now, hon.

Thank you for this honey ♥