quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (don't make me smack you)
Avengers 2 trailer comes out with whitewashed characters
Fans: Wow I'm so excited for this movie!

Fantastic Four teaser comes out with a black main character
Fans: Ugh Fox sucks they should just give to Marvel.

I don't like MCU fans. It is nebulous and large and full of opinions, so it's not surprising but it's hitting a point where I just hate everyone who is into it. In a way, I'm glad I play Loki in a small quiet corner with non MCU rpers and people because they support the most ridiculous logic to dismiss other people's tastes. And I am furious that a movie where a black character is playing a extremely popular character is automatically dismissed just by the teaser.

And no, Agent Carter does not make it better.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (my home is the sky)
It's really hard lately, not to be angry and snap at everything. And while I'm improving my communication, I find that I'm struggling with unrealistic standards. Thanks RP! You're a blast.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (my home is the sky)
Sometimes I wish fandom wouldn't make me hate the MCU. "Wow it's so progressive!" "Look how relevant and deep this is!" is getting more and more difficult to parse every day. And nothing is me ingratiating than people telling me how valid it is and how it applies to my life.

Because apparently everyone on the internet is American.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (little talks)
At least I can talk about my feelings in my journal without it becoming a debate.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (mr bamf)
Unpopular opinion: I think plurk sucks at a social networking site.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (MORE PACING)
Things I need to do!

- WRITE!!!
- Study for exam
- Finish homework
- Haggle fee between the MOE and Kaplan
- Get more tutoring jobs

Things I want to do!

- Make icons
- WRITE!!!
- Finish my app
- Do some essays (like the compare/contrast one on Stefan/Damon and Dean/Sam)
- Rewatch STXI, Supernatural, and Merlin

Things I'm doing!


I am the most productive person.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (The Magnificent)
Ganesh Chaturti - Log

- Emotionally, I've been very meh. Meh about things I like, meh about my RP, meh meh meh. It's a bad state and I don't like it.

- I've been listening to some old Hindi music soundtracks that I loved back in the day. I don't know much of the new stuff, though I should check anything A.R. Rahman puts out. He was my favourite composer. I mean, I love Ramta Jogi.

- I am tempted to do some writeups on shows I'm watching. Like a female appreciate post per week on the characters in Vampire Diaries, or maybe a Community FST. Hell, I want to churn out fics again. Go go being involved in fandoms again!

- WHY IS MY HOUSE SO QUIET AUGH. Though I love how my maid and I sort of chill, me on the comp and her in my folk's room watching Tagalog movies.

- Also man I use my tumblr ALL THE TIME. I don't know how this happened! Also, other people seem to find me and follow me! ... I don't know how that happened either?

- As a person, I have noticed I go back and forth on being empathic and patient to being a jerk! Or it could be my paranoia at work (it seems to be rearing its head lately). I might poke people and ask "IF I AM BEING UNCOOL PLZ SAY SO". 

- How does one get better at communication anyway? I feel out of sorts on that front.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Wishing you joy)
I have a well of anger I am trying to control. I am a Singaporean. I am also an Indian. I don't belong in India. I don't belong in Singapore. I don't have a community, I don't have a base, I don't have those things I used to have when I was younger. As much as I understand the West, I will never be part of it and the same goes to the East.

I want to talk about Gandhi. I want to talk about the home he lived in, the same home I lived in. I want to talk about my visit there, looking at the tiny panels depicting his life and the spinning wheel that remains untouched since his departure. I want people to understand there's a reason why we call him Mahatma in India. I want to talk about Hinduism, the dirty parts that stay with me, the times school was cancelled midway and the trips back home where I worried if a riot would come and destroy the bus. I want to explain how Ganesh is worth studying, but Ganesh worshippers took their idols to the sea and turned it grey.

I want to talk about the ugly things, the poor things, the orphanages I worked in, the mental houses I did charity work for. I want to talk about how literal the expression starving children on the street is because that was my life a long time ago.

Gandhi is not cooler than moe Hitler or Nazis, fandom, I know. Hinduism still looks nice on paper... I know. The only thing I can do is share. I can't make a point. I can't change anything. But I think, I will write a little bit here and there, and maybe, it'll mean something.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (So demons are real!)
Man, this journal has been really whiny.

 - My insecurities seem to be on the rise lately. I feel like I talk and nobody's listening so I'm less willing to talk, which is stupid because I have a gazillion friends who are all wonderful people and listen to me babble. But you know. Feelings.

- Three modules down, three more to go. I hate it so much but I'm learning so that's good.

- Got a presentation tomorrow. I'm not ...stressed about it but I am kinda :| about the whole thing, considering half my class sort of ...avoided doing it.

- I apped Shishio Makoto at Sabra! I LOVE SHISHIO but I am also terrified. I have never actually played a character of his calibre before! But I am also excited because I'm out of my comfort zone and there are a lot of things I could do with him.

- I need to get writing again. REALLY BADLY. I am so out of the habit that it's worrying. Writing is still my ultimate goal.

- I'm walking more often. Having an mp3 player helps.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (beneath this gentleness)
I am a fuckwit.

Because I fail at relating with people. When people talk about their childhoods, I clam up, not because my childhood was bad, just because there are times I think it just hurts to try and relate them with others. So I shut up and fail at communication or mingling or whatever. I fail at showing pictures because I'm shy, I'm not particularly photogenic, I don't want people to get too close to me, I guess.

But I fail mostly because I thought at least with someone I knew in real life, that I'd be there, and have fun and be myself and not be constantly terrified of being hated, of not being the same person that I used to be. I'm terrified because I am so lonely and all I have at the end of the day is my rp and my computer and that's it. That's all. And I am a freak for being that kind of person. I'm a freak because I have nothing and no one.

Today, I fail because I thought she was leaving tomorrow and she left today. I didn't even say goodbye. I couldn't do that much.

Because I am a fuckwit.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (riding on dreams from whence I came)
- I'm starting to loathe my weekends with their ridiculously long classes and exams. Luckily I only have three more modules to go. Still, it wears me down because weekends is when everything happens and I'm just not around for them anymore.

- Beat the Elite Four and slowly powering my way through the gyms. I'm still kinda upset over a trade I did which wasn't the most sensible one, but eh. I'll live. I miss my Tyranitaur a lot though :( Also my Charizard is stronger than my Feraligatr. W-Win.

- I think, probably after Loveless Weekend, I'm gonna not play Dean for a while ( I WILL LAST TEN SECONDS INTO THIS BUT ). I need to take a break from him. I feel I'm getting to the point that everything I say is starting to sound like drivel and it frustrates me.

- A friend of mine is here for a few days! We watched Being Human and talked a bit. We both agreed Mitchell in the pilot was hotter. :)

- My kids graduate next week. I am of many minds about this.

- Must get back into writing full swing.

- Business Law this week. At this rate, I'll be so multi-educated, I won't even remember what I've been educated about.

- I have an mp3 player again! God I missed having one.

- And because I didn't do this and I missed a lot of love memes: Comment here and let me love you.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Killing me softly)
I am going to rant! Ye have been warned all who enter here. Also this is not directed to anyone! Let me very specific here. This is not addressing an incident, but myself mostly.

Read more... )
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Give a little whistle)
- [livejournal.com profile] hadaringonit get! Ahh I play a LOTR characterrrr.

- Man, I've been pretty tired lately. Stupid classes. On the other hand, I'm a competent accountant and statistics person now.

- I'm gonna chill with TV shows for a while.

- I have nothing to update about, sigh.

- I wish I had moneys. (/whine)

- I'm a grumpy person.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Being a teenger is hard)
To do list

- Finish app

- Study!!
- Do reading log
- Stop failing at communication
- Go beat Victory Road instead of continuously training (seriously self, I think you'll be fine, just do it)
- Maybe save up for an mp3 player
- Take crazy medicines more often.
- Beg dad to pay for my RP accounts if I can. If not, it's time to beg elsewhere (I hate, hate, hate doing this and I can't express words for the people who pitch in for me all the time. I just wish I had the freedom to do this on my own)
- Finish the essay for Dante and then start a second one for Dean. Oh, and finish codependent essay for Haruki
- State of the Union for my characters.

- Play George.
- There's more stuff here but I forgot what.


quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (knights and angels)
- Zoo field trip! Both hectic and fun. Nearly lost a kid. Nearly died then and there. But the animals were great! The polar bears really put on a show and we saw lemur babies and tons of animals literally just a hair's breadth away.

- Came back. Wrote an email, cried a lot and then promptly passed out on my bed. For three hours! Zoo is tiring business.

- Only two more days of school. My parents don't want me going to school anymore. I have my schedule for Murdoch. Today, a kid invited me to his bowling party. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I might not make it.

- Writing has moved to bursts and three separate projects. Fight, fight, fight!

- I might do a self-evaluation. Or an anon meme. I need to recheck how I perceive myself and how people perceive me. But right now, I'm just worn out.

- Need to make pimp posts at CFUD, do my Cubia app, do Cubia icons, start posting at my DR.

- Ferrari is acting reclusive. I guess it's because he's finding it weird to be the only turtle in the tank. Maybe I should go buy another one, but the thought just hurts.

- I have a post with thoughts I need to type out. I feel now more than ever, I need to be clear and truthful with myself and with other people.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Reaching for the sky)
So, recently, when I went to Kinokuniya, I spotted an Archie comic! So I flipped it open to see what it was like! 

Apparently it was a five-part issue about Archie and Betty's wedding. They had kids, Jughead got married...

It was a very distressing thing to read.

When I was younger, I loved Betty because Betty was the good girl who never got anywhere. We all loved her and wanted her to get what she wanted! But she never did. That was the whole point of the Archie comics; Archie couldn't choose, Jughead didn't like girls, Reggie fails because he's a meanie... it was supposed to leave you guessing, thinking, wishing. How many times have I conjured up scenarios where Betty got Archie to the prom? Or Reggie crossed a line?

I don't know what Archie comics are doing anymore. I stopped caring about it a long time ago. But seeing that issue, reading through it... I feel like they've taken away a part of my childhood and I don't know how to get over it.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Power bears a fanged name)
Let's talk feelings again.

This week has been a weird week for me because I had been so looking forward to my time to myself, to do things that I like, but I'm not the kind of person who should have too much of a good thing. It doesn't do well with my conscience and the stuff I could have done, the more productive things, I was lax on and I felt bad for it and that badness just sort of further stressed me out. I didn't sleep well. I was upset frequently and defensive. I think, next week (depending on how I finish my activity. If I don't, I think I won't app this round. I can handle that), I might just not come online. Take a break from everything, work on things. My unis get back to me next week too. Perhaps finish my writing!

I met Klavier today! And yesterday too! And it sort of hit me how utterly hopeless I am at entertaining people. I just sort of go "SHALL WE WATCH THIS? OR THAT?". I really don't know how to talk much if I'm not talking about something I like! It was worse for me yesterday where I just sort of felt out of place. I dunno, I've never asked ex-Frau or Toph if they have ever felt... weirded out by me or uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable with myself! It's not a stretch that they would too.

Maybe I am still lonely. I need a job. My last one didn't work out, I need to try again. I need to study, I need to meet people. I need to actively work on these things and I think, I need to cut down on my characters at RP. It's not like I can't manage them, I can. But I think it's time I managed things... life better? I guess? I'm not sure what would help (I probably won't drop people for that reason, but. I should at least consider it).

I think I will rewatch Utena at some point.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (If you loved money as much as me)
So this week so far has been fairly magical in the sense that I can get up in the morning and use the computer! No school, no parents, it's like the high like. Of course, having too much of the high life makes me feel restless like there's something more I should be doing but I'm not! But eh, it's my week, I should spend how I like!!! At least if I keep telling myself that, it'll come true!

But I guess having too much of a good thing is weird as well. I was totally intent to play loads this week, complete my activity, do lots of icons etc, but lately I feel like I've been falling flat on that. An odd sense of staleness has infected my play (to the point that I was like sdfshdfsd I am playing Dean shittily! and Dean is my baby). I dunno what to do with thiiiiiiiis. I wanted to run an event, but I can't muster up the enthusiasm to do that! Which is really not helping my feelings of fail (perhaps I am simply not destined to run events, they are meant for beings with a high calling than me).

Well, it's only Tuesday. By Thursday, [personal profile] aragorn will be here and all those feelings will fly away as I smother her with my love.