quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (If you glanced my way)
For once, I'd like my father to do something and not hold it over my head like a noose.

"I will do this for you because I am so kind and you are a loser and fucked up this and that." He does it for my birthdays. He does it for my Christmases. He does it for my education. I won't deny that I do owe him and I do need to pay him back for it, but I am trying. I do not understand why he has to guilt me for the rest of my life for it. And then he wonders why I never ask for anything and turns it against me.

I'm angry. I knew this. I knew I had to pay him back. I knew that doing that, I will probably never get a chance to travel for ...two years, probably. I don't want to be here that long. This place is going to drive me mad.


quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Envision the future)
It's funny how little things do still get to me. And while,  I get them under control, most of the time, I'm easily upset. I've learned better, to rationalize and waits things out. I have patience and I've learned to judge things equally. But sometimes,  and I suppose it is the same for all of us, that when someone has a negative opinion of a thing they love, it hurts. I've had people come to me and say there's nothing they love about SPN and well, SPN isn't in any way perfect, it's riddled with flaws, but I love it! And it hurts to hear things like that.

People are never the best judges. What other people love can be what other people hate. I'm guilty of it too when I talk about things I dislike. Hell, doesn't everyone bash Twilight? Even though we may have never read the books at all? I guess it applies to RP too, in its own way. I really want to change and stop disliking things because I don't understand them. I'm not sure if I can, but I'd like to. Maybe if I can make that small change, other things can change too. 

It does make me miserable when people can't enjoy what I can. I guess, in a way, it makes me feel like I've failed somewhere, that I'm not able to share it.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (I defeated the god of death)
I realized that the words dose/thosa will never stop being weird to be because no one in India actually calls them that.

It's dosa. sob. It ranks up there with things that bug me irrationally.

The other one being chai tea. (chai is hindi for tea, so sticking those two words together sounds like ...tea tea to me and it is utterly redudant)

So my mom was like "Do you want friends over for christmas?" and I broke into tears. I can't even think about it without breaking into tears. Also I got three hours of sleep and it shows.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Did someone say shotgun?)
Dear people of India,

Get it through your thick skulls that fireworks are bad news. Always.

Fuck you.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Default)
I want a magical time travelling device that will allow me to relive my weekends and somehow magically get my activity for twelve characters (for the record, I do pull it off amply! It's just.. tiring!). Having a set limit on my computer to do X amount of things is starting to wear me down in a bad way, but this weekend felt less stressful (so I say now anyway!!). Also the joys of having new canon, of seeing Sam and Dean and Cas on screen has really lifted my mood (er, well. AS WELL AS SPN CAN... LIFT MOODS IN GENERAL) and I've been spamming people left, right and centre over how much I love Dean, my forever dorrrrrk. And the new developments canon has been giving me has been living me a bit amazed (though I'm glad I called the LoTR thing before the episode aired. POINTS FOR ME). CFUD has now pretty much settled into my forever place and I haven't had a bad day with it in a while which is good! I still get the feeling I'm overextending myself or seeming brutish on the internet, but I guess I'll never know?

I thiiiiiiink right now, my problem is micro. Gosh, has it really been a year? And while I flagrantly ignore having sex in micro blah blah, I still enjoy playing there. I just find that my overall level of play has... dropped! Like I find myself making more typos or being too lax with the line between IC and OOC. It could be that the place is finally rubbing off me and that somewhat bothers me on an intrinsic level or I just... don't care anymore. Or I want to start with something fresh. I kinda feel bad for the people I play with, especially Reyson's castmates because I don't play enough or I just tag here and there and I'm not updated and in the zone!! Or I don't know, but I feel a little bad regardless.

nnnngh this post is kinda useless. OH WELL.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Look at those camera flare)
I made a comm for my original fics! [community profile] quixotism . Gosh, guys, I feel so witty. It matches my username! Golly gee.

I'm still kinda upset and I think I'll take a nice, long hiatus off the internet and by that, I mean RP activities that are not The Wild Edge right now. In all honesty, I should probably stop bothering people right now.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (If you glanced my way)
"Man, I really want to watch Star Trek... but I haven't seen Wolverine yet. Maybe I'll watch Star Trek first."


"... Uh...huh"

"Star Trek looks like it was made by a bunch of gays and a gay parade."



I.  I'm not a big Trekkie but fucking hell. I gave a nice brittle verbal retort to that statement but nnngh.

Also, I am undecided. Should I go see Star Trek or Wolverine first? THOUGHTS?

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Poutymcpouty person)
I am unreasonably annoyed! The unreasonable part is unreasonable and I'm aware of that, but somehow that doesn't really help that queasy part of my stomach where I feel sick all over because in the back of my mind, I feel more responsible than anyone else. And sometimes I wonder if I am truly capable of making good decisions at all. Or are all my decisions some kind of parody, they only seem good and fun and they are as fleeting as the day?

Hopefully this will resolve itself nicely tomorrow. Hopefully.

Right now though, I'm still unreasonably annoyed.

The other is; a fan was complaining about leaked episodes and advised that others should "wait for the rest of the world". I live in Asia. The rest of the world? The world you're thinking about, no doubt? Is the West and only that. Did it ever occur to you that there are people outside the United states who (shockingly) watch the same things you do? That they don't have that opportunity to wait? Considering how laid back I can be about certain issues and someone who has to "wait" and still end up buying my canons and whatnot, that particularly needled me. I'm not one to get angry, but this piled on a bad mood and just unnecessarily pissed me off. Your luxury is not our luxury.

It's a good thing you listened. God help you if you hadn't.

Nnnngh guys, I'm so angry with all this pent up aggression and I am just. Plain not happy with myself right now.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (riding on dreams from whence I came)
It says something when you hang out with a bunch of people and they don't really notice you're there.