quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (If you loved money as much as me)
  • Finally did my first entry on [community profile] freud! ... And I still feel jittery, but it's good to have stuff in one place now. Debating on whether I want to shift my Kirk [microcosm] essays too.
  • Finally started doing things with [community profile] fst as well. ... Why do I mod things sob.
  • I should also do a state of the union meme for CFUD characters.
  • Play again at [community profile] pandoras now that I've recovered.
  • Decide on my counselor early so that I don't dwell.
  • Decide on a camper too.
  • App Aang at [community profile] pandoras 
  • Sorted out my pesky feelings! Realized that I am a douche with people! But you know, realization is a good step.
  • Do a few character FSTs
  • Make more icons. Finish Haruka's set.
  • Finally call that computer guy to fix my comp.
  • Send in application forms.
  • Debate on getting a tumblr
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (at least that's what I THINK)
- Inksome might be going down! Which means most of my RP related woes entries will be going along with it. So I'm debating starting a comm just to fill with RP thoughts and essays because I've played a lot of characters (and I can say that for sure) and so many essays tend to be scattered all over my journals. Might as well make a comm and start it in one place.

- I don't understand when talking to people became a struggle, but it has. I'm getting more and more moody and irritable towards... well, er, entitlement, I suppose is the best word for it (thank you [personal profile] unbelievable ). At this rate, I'm going to spend time talking to the sane people on this internet side and ignoring the rest. I've always prided myself on being fair, but I'm not gonna do that at the expense of my piece of mind. Just, no.

- I've been marathoning Avatar and it's very good just to watch and hang back. I wish the fandom for it wasn't so intense. (no seriously, spn? star trek? no problem. but avatar fans? when talking about a cartoon show? terrifying).

- I'm even thinking about apping Aang in [community profile] pandoras if only so I can finally have a communicative person in my lineup (don't get me wrong. Sherlock is super-communicative! But does the man care? not one whit)

- For a while I thought I lost my Dean mojo. I'm so glad I'm wrong.

- I wish I was less logical about dealing with problems. At least that way, I can fake sympathy and go there there. But ultimately, that's not gonna help anyone! ... So asking that of me is just ridiculous.

- Need to get writing, pronto.

- God, I'll miss my icon slots in Inksome. That is my only regret. Oh well, time to periodically recycle icons at DW  instead...

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (c'est la vie)
- God, the Lamento soundtrack is really pretty.

- I've nearly finished my back-to-back Phoenix Wright playthrough! I think the sprites I dislike the most are the ones in Game One. They really bother me for some reason. Also, having played 2,3 and 4, game 1 is rather... uninteresting at times! Though I really felt for Dee Vasquez the second time around and Edgeworth's stuttering conscience was more appealing.

- I had a heatstroke yesterday which was like a terrible fever coupled with the worst migraine I've had in ages. I could barely stomach food, let alone do something else. Of course, all my father could say was, "Are you going to work tomorrow?" but hey, I wasn't expecting much there.

- Tutoring seems to be going well, though!

- Stop being so annoying bureaucratic Singapore.

- I have two tiny terrapins! Their names are Ferrari and Mercedes. I will take pictures once I'm done cleaning their tank.

- Still working on my education here and there, still stressed out about it, still wished my dad wouldn't tell me every now and then he'll disown me. It's not helping.

- I'm vaguely amused by how many people consider me a hurtful person but heaven forbid if the opposite were true. I suppose, I'm on my way to procuring a thick skin.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (I defeated the god of death)
I'm going to pretend I enjoy the sound of my own voice.

I will be back when I realize that this is but a foolish dream.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Default)
So a good friend of mine came over yesterday and we talked Trek and rewatched the special features (and watched Devil in the Dark... again. I like how that episode is standard viewing).  Then we switched over to SPN (Changing Channels can change anyone's view on SPN I find) and we babbled for a while until she had to leave. It was good. It was odd. I realized how... out of touch I was getting with people, how awkward I feel inside. I am still that way somewhat on the internet. Sometimes, when people talk to me... I'm not sure what to say. There are a few people whom I can say just about anything and it works and I'm eternally grateful for that. Sometimes, I wonder... what do people look for in me? When people ask me to app for them, what drives that? Is it respect or something else? I do find the booking system that I've (well... other people really. I found myself going along with it) put in place is in surprising demand. I am touched, but mostly I'm just amused and confused.

I've been replaying Apollo Justice and I love Apollo. He is a geniune lawyer. He's smart! He knows the law! This is what he wants to do. He's not lovesick and dense (don't get me wrong, I love Phoenix Wright, but sometimes I just... cannot believe the man is a lawyer). And it's a joy to play Apollo Justice because he is believable (his backstory is not believable though, but I can take what I can get) and he's smart and for a seasoned player of lawyergames, it's good to know that he keeps up with your pace. I've been breezing through the game, but it's also the one I've replayed the most.

I've been very selfish lately. I will start curbing it. But I'm glad I could notice it and instead of going on a self-pity fest, I can do something about it. I've got therapy again next week and I think I have a lot to say. I still don't have a job and I don't have money, and that part of me is still bothered because everyone around me is so giving and I feel... I never give back. Money, why must you be an issue? I know nobody is materialistic enough, but I feel I should.. give back something, but nothing feels like it's enough. Hm. The best thing to do is ask, I suppose.

But it is good to know, despite all my setbacks... I have come a long way.

Also shameless pimping. I've been hooked on 8tracks. Go listen to my FSTs!
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Serenity)
My grandfather is dying. He is 82 years old. He is a world famous poet. He is one of the greatest influences in my life and in the lives of many people before me. He is the man who would put me on his scooter and drive me to the sweet shop every day if I wanted to. He was the one with rows and rows of books in his house, where I got my illustrated version of the original Sinbad adventures, rhyme for rhyme and some of the books that shaped my life.

He told me today, "I wish I could write like you"

There is a part of me that rebelled against that, against the complete and utter goodwill of this man who has given me everything without question. But if I don't have faith in myself, what could I possibly achieve?

I am going to lose him. I know that. I know that him living in pain is not something I want. But right now, all I feel is words in my mouth and I'm choking on it.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Brooding)
It's sad, but I deeply miss sitting in a cafe, with a few friends, sitting and just talking for hours on end, eating cakes and drinking coffee. It shouldn't be so hard! It feels hard. I never realized how deeply I miss it. I look at cafes with the sort of wistful longing expression you'd imagine on a teenage girl hoping for a boyfriend. I miss those too. I was crap at relationships and I know why. It didn't help that my father was against them on principle (You didn't love them! Yes, dad, I knew that. Though, it's not entirely true. I did loved them in my own way). Thinking about romance now... I'm glad I'm not interested in it, but I do miss the companionship aspect. But really, I think it means I want someone to cuddle and hug and drape all over (I do this. All the time. Poor Toph and Frau look so zapped sometimes). Just to hold hands and lean your head on their shoulders.... that's romance to me. That's love. And while I'm self-centered in my own way, always wanting and hardly giving, that doesn't mean I love anyone any less.

 A  while back people talked about crushes and I was thinking about how I've never truly crushed on someone. ... Okay, I crushed heavily on my first boyfriend, but that was... puppycrush and god, I felt so bad when I moved to Singapore and didn't keep in touch (hilariously, he was my best friend's brother and my best friend spent a good deal of time hitting on me. She was, in our ridiculous codependent way, my soulmate. I've lost her now and I imagine she's doing wonders with her life, becoming a teacher. I still love her and miss her, even if she doesn't miss me ... or fails at keeping in contact.). To me, I skip the crush part, really. I just sort of... throw myself straight into love, into wanting to know a person more, into caring for them. It's a headlong, headrush and definitely not a smart thing to do, but I can't see myself doing anything else. I've come a long way, I know it. I think of the person who groveled, who tried to use platitudes to fix things instead of fixing things. I'm no longer that. I've learned to take action, both in the real life and on the internet. Now ... I am satisfied. I'm sure there are things I could improve, make better, but I'll take that slow and build up my courage. 

I think it's good though, that I can recall the past. Not for the worst, not for the mistakes, but for the tiny moments in between. If there was love before, there can be love again. Sometimes, I think of Bonita, and her fickleness and the way she hurt me, but I left that hurting part, that need for any kind of revenge. She was never as lucky as I was.

Gosh, that sounded so pretentious. Ah well. I think I can give myself that for once.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Serenity)
Goodbye 2009! I'd like to say we had some good times, but really I can't even remember what they were. Here's looking for 2010 where I will finally achieve something in my damn life. Hopefully starting with a job. I won't miss you 2009, but I suppose it wasn't all that bad. ... Now if I could honestly remember them clearly...

My dad and I rented a bunch of DVDs from the library. I got The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Buffy Season Five and Charmed Season Three. We also got Bewitched First Season and we're having fun burning through that happily. Good pointless fun. I've been burning through Buffy and Charmed a lot lately, even if Charmed is terrible. I mean. It's terrible. But you still watch it. I'm seriously trying to figure out why the show appeals to me and ... I'm not coming up with much. I guess it comes down to Cole :/ (Also, I spend too much time doing six degrees of SPN and Charmed and I think that's why I keep watching).

Buffy! I... had always liked Buffy, but rewatching it, I realized I really like Buffy. I like the characters! I like the writing! I like the dialogue and the relationships! I like that when Buffy went to college and was totally zapped that was me. It really hit me hard a lot in that way, but not in a bad sense (thank god. Every time someone goes college! and bright future! I feel I want to curl up and die). Also. I feel there should be like. Ten times more Xander-love out there. Just. I feel that's how it should be!! I'm not sure if there is or not, but that is how I feel. I'm debating whether to move onto Angel later. I do like Angel too, but... the later seasons of Angel just made me WTF a lot. And I wasn't as fond of the characters on that show like I was with Buffy. Me? Picky? Perish the thought.

On a more personal level, I'm going through a magnificent moment of self-hatred and self-loathing. I feel the world is out to get me when I know it's not! I feel like everyone is irritated with me! I also know this is untrue! I applied at [community profile] pandoras and even though the game hasn't even started yet, I'm getting jitters. I hate jitters. I usually never get jitters, but here they are, true-blue jitters, jumping around my head. Gdit.

Now, looking at this post, gosh, I really abuse italics a lot don't I.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Envision the future)
It's funny how little things do still get to me. And while,  I get them under control, most of the time, I'm easily upset. I've learned better, to rationalize and waits things out. I have patience and I've learned to judge things equally. But sometimes,  and I suppose it is the same for all of us, that when someone has a negative opinion of a thing they love, it hurts. I've had people come to me and say there's nothing they love about SPN and well, SPN isn't in any way perfect, it's riddled with flaws, but I love it! And it hurts to hear things like that.

People are never the best judges. What other people love can be what other people hate. I'm guilty of it too when I talk about things I dislike. Hell, doesn't everyone bash Twilight? Even though we may have never read the books at all? I guess it applies to RP too, in its own way. I really want to change and stop disliking things because I don't understand them. I'm not sure if I can, but I'd like to. Maybe if I can make that small change, other things can change too. 

It does make me miserable when people can't enjoy what I can. I guess, in a way, it makes me feel like I've failed somewhere, that I'm not able to share it.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Backup)
Today is the day I will do things away from the computer!! And the internet!!

Well, hopefully. I didn't start the day off too well with a headache and minor queasy feelings to the stomach. Took my stimulants for the third time to see how that works out. No reply from Kino or that other place I applied for work. I was out for two hours in the sun doing errands for my mom and realized her direction sense was worse than mine. It was not a fun time and I was pretty close to crying from frustration but hey I DIDN'T and I was kinda proud of myself for that!! Small victories baby.

On the RP front, god, I feel so happy. Every little thing about being Kirk makes me happy. All my characters make me happy!! I don't have a single bad thing to say!! Me, on the other hand. I'm worried about being all over the place and being overly obnoxious. Which, I know, I have a tendency to do! And sometimes, when people say I'm popular in public, I feel so... ashamed /o\ like I'm attention-calling to myself and god, if I was the other person, I could totally imagine rage and jealousy. I play because...  I like to play. I play a lot because... I can and it's easy for me. I know that... not everyone can be as fast and manageable about it, but I've never seen that as a bad point with players either. I know people sometimes tell me "sorry I'm slooooow" and I'm like "THAT'S COOL" because it is! I just... I appreciate what every individual can do. Sometimes, I wonder if I would be a better player if I was slow but I don't think my patience could handle it.

Still dunno how I feel about micro. I  play the same characters there that I do in CFUD and Micro is always an on and off feeling for me. Sometimes, I love it there! Sometimes, I'm like "This is supremely boring." I really just want to get Thom. I could easily drop everyone for Thom. It's sad but true. I wouldn't though. I do love my CR a great deal. ... Wow I'm using the acronym CR. I'm really a weird kid now.

Randomly. I love people. I really do. I'm making a bigger effort to know people via gchat and various means, talking to them whenever I can and I feel like I'm really broadening myself and it's my little slice of pride during these times of zero success.

PS - Someone tell me who to app next round at CFUD. I'm waffling.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (I defeated the god of death)
I've always wanted to ask people; who do they consult when they feel insecure or lost?

When people watch Bollywood movies, they would know that we consult a brahmin to check the auspiciousness of the days and through his own craft (which I'm not sure of the details, so I will avoid commenting on it). You'll find that even my life doesn't escape this little detail of seeing our fate in the stars and whatnot. My parents, modern and accepting people that they are, pay a psychic to check our house.

Yes, a psychic.

We've had feng-shui experts come through as well, to see if our furniture is not disturbing our sleep or not. You cannot come to Singapore and escape feng-shui, guys. You may never see a direct sign of it, but it's everywhere. Nothing is built and placed in Singapore without that simple fact. Isn't that amazing? I think it is. I also think it's somewhat frightening how important it is.

So, how is it done in the West? Is there anything similar? I honestly do not know.

In other news! Sometimes, I feel like a failing fail thing. Like I play deep and insightful characters! From developing and ongoing canons! And people have so much to say and it's all very interesting and I feel I just... come short. I don't know what to say! I just have a deep and simple joy when it comes to things. I don't think, I just enjoy. And it's making me feel a little miserable that it's enough? And it shouldn't be? Idek.

quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Default)
My dad is out of town which means everything in my house has become awkward. My mother spends as little time as she can with us, going to gym or her room. My brother and I do the same and the house has a silence over it that depresses me. It works both ways. When my dad isn't around, there's a relaxed air, no stress to cater to his perfectionist needs. But our dad truly is the social person in the family and despite my own introvertedness, I am easily more comfortable with my dad than I am with anyone else, save a few people I know personally. After all, my dad is the guy who knows I RP. If I tell him I'm surfing porn on the internet, he doesn't blink. In fact, we might even have discussions about it, discussions that do not make me feel awkward, even if they do not fit the social "family protocol".

Not having my dad around is making me more unstable than I usually am. Oh, I still keep up my general zen attitude, but little things are starting to prickle and upset me. I guess the coupling of meds, niggling RP concerns that poke me in the back of my mind and the constant lack of silence in the household when I wake up is getting to me. And my therapy appointments are next week. My mom wants to take me to a movie this weekend, but I wonder if she's doing it because my dad told her to. I love my mom and I know she cares in her own way, but we're two very different people and sometimes when I try to meet her half-way, that lack of understanding we have just forces the awkwardness even more.

Really, I'm just counting down the days until I can finally meet Abel and we can hang out in sloth and gluttony.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Default)
There was a line I thought I stepped over, a line where selfish and selfless would be drawn. A line where I put myself first and didn't feel ashamed for it. Yesterday, I was confronted with the fact that perhaps I take it too far, that I receive more than what I give and for that, I am guilty. But as I dealt with that, I felt glad I could notice that. There are times, many times, I look back at myself and the kind of person I was. The person who grovelled for attention, the person who got easily upset and angry for no good reason, the person who kept seeking validation, no matter who. Now I find myself in the opposite end of the spectrum where I am in control of myself. I just need to be careful of my line. I can't just toe it.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Default)
Ever watched something that makes your heart soar, or sing?

It's a feeling I only get when I watch something I've invested in, something from my childhood being brought to life in some shape or form. Like I still gape a bit when Eomer rushes in at Helm's deep and the sun is behind them and everything about that scene from the choreography to the music makes my heart swell with a sense of joy and pride and a big happy grin on my face. It's also the way I feel in the Speed Racer movie when Speed is in the last leg of the race and only two cars between him and destiny and my heart pounds and I'm mentally cheering all the way. It's a feeling I've always had trouble explaining to other people, because I guess, what makes my day and what makes other people's days are very different. But I'm grateful to people who let me carry on, who let me talk about it regardless and let me enjoy myself and my babble.

And for that, I am ever thankful.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (i kept my distance you kept my love)
I think everyone is deserving, in some form or another. To put it in better terms, I truly believe that everyone has something that makes them special or unique and them and that's how it is. Truly. Sometimes, it's hard to believe and more than enough times, it's easier to see the bad rather the good, the special because really the bad parts are the ones that stand out. And we all have a place, somewhere.

Last friday, in a place I worked for nearly a year, I wasn't allowed to take part in the staff photo. There is nothing of me, no photo, no notice, just simply I come to work and I leave. And that was upsetting to me, I manage to rein it in. I'm still not sure how upset I am because I just feel... vaguely empty, like I missed out on a lottery, but that's okay, I never win those anyway.

I feel like I have a right to be depressed, like I have a right to cry and sob and say, "This is unfair". But I can't or I won't. All I can think of if this is truly the place for me. I love my job. It calms me, in ways I never possibly imagined. And yet, that feeling of being utterly forgotten, of wasting my life in a place that doesn't even want to realize I'm there...

... Hmm. It took typing this out to reduce me to tears. Perhaps that's all I needed to say.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (I defeated the god of death)
  • I like that during an Supernatural hiatus/interval, my downloading craze exponentially increases to the point I have documentaries on my hard drive.
  • I am a dork and I spend ridiculous amounts of time with [personal profile] comfortingsounds about Kirk and Spock and them being Kirk and Spock and I feel like one of those overly anxious fandom people who has no idea what they're talking about but it's hilarious to watch anyway.
  • I've been rewatching M*A*S*H and Radar is basically what I am if I was male. I'm not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing. But he's adorable anyway (and if any of you guys call me that, WE WILL HAVE WORDS)
  • Life is... tiring right now. Work and study and then maybe some RP but even so, it's become hard and grating.
  • Transformers Animated finale made me cry worse than any TV show or movie I have ever seen. I'm not sure what to think of this.
  • AHHH SAINT SEIYA WILL BE OUT SOON OMG AHHH. Oh wait. No one cares. :((((
  • TRANSFORMERS REVENGE OF THE FALLEN WILL BE OUT SOON I just want to see if they truly added Lockdown in there. Lockdown my one true rapist raburabu. I hope he steals the pants off every human in town. (And he would too! BECAUSE HE IS AMAZING!!)
  • Every time I fangirl, I feel like I should be adding a note or a "BEWARE/CAUTION" sign. I'm trying to get out of that mentality and I suspect I'm not the only person who feels that way. 
  • Two Steps from Hell - Freedom Fighters has been on my playlist for two weeks nonstop. This is terrifying.
  • I finally read the Antique Bakery manga! And then the canon doujinshis that came out with it. I was so close to crying. Out of all of them, I play the most mentally damaged one. Of course.
  • I think I've read every single prompt on the Star Trek kink meme. You may judge me now.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Look at those camera flare)

  • Aerrow/Dark Ace [Storm Hawks]
  • Casshern/Dio + Casshern/Lyuze [Casshern Sins]
  • Spike/Vicious [Cowboy Bebop]
  • Virgil/Richie [Static Shock]
  • Oz/Gil/Alice [Pandora Hearts]
  • Speed/Trixie [Speed Racer - movie]
  • Hotshot/Blurr [Transformers Armada]
  • Bumblebee/Prowl [Transformers Animated]
  • Optimus Prime/Sentinel Prime [Transformers Animated] (though I guess you could... add Blackarachnia there)
  • Ike/Reyson [Fire Emblem]
Man, there's a lot more giant robots in there than I thought. Oh well. I'm totally up for discussion too!!
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Look at those camera flare)
I made a comm for my original fics! [community profile] quixotism . Gosh, guys, I feel so witty. It matches my username! Golly gee.

I'm still kinda upset and I think I'll take a nice, long hiatus off the internet and by that, I mean RP activities that are not The Wild Edge right now. In all honesty, I should probably stop bothering people right now.
quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Did someone say shotgun?)

Man, the internet really does have everything. Translations can be located in the previous post. Maybe I can find the rest of the Vedic chants I learned in school...