quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (beneath this gentleness)
The Windmill Lover ([personal profile] quixotic) wrote2010-06-09 11:07 pm

(no subject)

I am a fuckwit.

Because I fail at relating with people. When people talk about their childhoods, I clam up, not because my childhood was bad, just because there are times I think it just hurts to try and relate them with others. So I shut up and fail at communication or mingling or whatever. I fail at showing pictures because I'm shy, I'm not particularly photogenic, I don't want people to get too close to me, I guess.

But I fail mostly because I thought at least with someone I knew in real life, that I'd be there, and have fun and be myself and not be constantly terrified of being hated, of not being the same person that I used to be. I'm terrified because I am so lonely and all I have at the end of the day is my rp and my computer and that's it. That's all. And I am a freak for being that kind of person. I'm a freak because I have nothing and no one.

Today, I fail because I thought she was leaving tomorrow and she left today. I didn't even say goodbye. I couldn't do that much.

Because I am a fuckwit.

comfortingsounds: (Films: Star Trek - Open your heart)

[personal profile] comfortingsounds 2010-06-09 04:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh god, honey. I wish I could've been here early in case you needed someone to talk to.

I understand how awful it is to feel alone, I feel that way sometimes, I felt that way for years, but it doesn't make you a freak. You're not a freak. Being alone doesn't make you a freak. One day that will change, I am sure of it. I know it's not the same, not having people IRL you can see more often, but at least there are people who care deeply about you. I care deeply about you and I'm completely sure I am not the only one. What happened doesn't make you a fuckwit or a failure or anything, honey. Sometimes people get scared and there's nothing wrong with it, okay? You're a wonderful person who deserves everything.

See, I'm babbling at you because I miss you and I wish I could've been here to be some kind of support. I don't think you have nothing, you know? I really don't think so. I love you, I hope you're feeling better tomorrow and if you need anything, you know you can talk to me.
comfortingsounds: (A&M: Let Dai - Die with me)

[personal profile] comfortingsounds 2010-06-10 03:59 am (UTC)(link)
Do you want to talk, honey?
comfortingsounds: (Films: Star Trek - I'll cry for you)

[personal profile] comfortingsounds 2010-06-10 04:06 am (UTC)(link)
I was wondering, I've been worried about you. You know I don't mind listening, maybe it will help you.
comfortingsounds: (Films: Star Trek - Open your heart)

[personal profile] comfortingsounds 2010-06-10 04:16 am (UTC)(link)
I'm going to bother you on gchat, then. ♥
existence: maya and mitsuomi: tenjo tenge (all the way down your history)

[personal profile] existence 2010-06-09 09:05 pm (UTC)(link)
You are not a freak for being lonely. Or a terrible person for being forgetful.

comfortingsounds: (TV: Glee - Let me love you)

[personal profile] comfortingsounds 2010-06-10 04:14 am (UTC)(link)
. . . Ignore them, honey. So you play a lot of characters? SO WHAT. It doesn't mean anything.
existence: kuchiha: amatsuki, vol 10  (death valley queen)

[personal profile] existence 2010-06-10 04:25 am (UTC)(link)
RP world is kinda filled with INSECURITY!!1! I think you do a good job with what you got, and I regret that timezones + brain means that we don't play more. You are not crazy for playing +characters, you're just suited for it.
existence: tentomon in a heart shaped bubble: digimon (and all you need is love)

[personal profile] existence 2010-06-10 04:29 am (UTC)(link)
No problem, hon. ♥
comfortingsounds: (Films: Eternal Sunshine - Walk with me)

[personal profile] comfortingsounds 2010-06-10 04:27 am (UTC)(link)
Just because you can handle more characters than most people and be active with all of them doesn't make you a crazy person. Everyone is different and it means you can handle more, that's all. As long as you're happy and doing what you want to do, nothing else really matters. And it's not like you're not sleeping or playing all the time, you do other stuff.
comfortingsounds: (A&M: PuriPuri - Fail)

[personal profile] comfortingsounds 2010-06-10 04:33 am (UTC)(link)
You're studying right now, honey. I could remind you to go back to writing, too. That's something.
comfortingsounds: (A&M: Brave Story - Can we go back?)

[personal profile] comfortingsounds 2010-06-10 04:36 am (UTC)(link)
I think you're being too hard on yourself. There's nothing wrong with playing a certain number of characters.
comfortingsounds: (TV: Glee - Let me love you)

[personal profile] comfortingsounds 2010-06-10 04:41 am (UTC)(link)
Mmm. Maybe a nap will help you?
comfortingsounds: (Films: Star Trek - Open your heart)

[personal profile] comfortingsounds 2010-06-10 04:46 am (UTC)(link)
That's also a good option, but drink some water at least.
aragorn: (Later; buddy)

[personal profile] aragorn 2010-06-10 08:25 am (UTC)(link)
I think that's an honest mistake anyone can make, and you aren't terrible for it. They won't think so either. Contact them when next you can, computer or otherwise, and apologise for it.

I hope you feel better today.
defeatedbyabridge: (Default)

[personal profile] defeatedbyabridge 2010-06-10 12:46 pm (UTC)(link)
::hugs:: Gahhh, I've done things like that. Doesn't it make you feel *pathetic*. :( :( :( :( :(

Fwiw, I think that online stuff is every bit as valid and meaningful as rl. More so, in some cases, especially since there are things you can say and do online that you can't do irl, purely because of the methods.

I know that doesn't help when sometimes all you want is to have someone face to face with you who *gets* you and can hug the hell out of you when you're upset. I wish I could do that for you right now, hon.