quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Killing me softly)
The Windmill Lover ([personal profile] quixotic) wrote2010-05-24 08:35 pm

(no subject)

I am going to rant! Ye have been warned all who enter here. Also this is not directed to anyone! Let me very specific here. This is not addressing an incident, but myself mostly.

- So! Here's the thing. I suck at communication. Sometimes, I talk a lot, sometimes I don't talk at all. Sometimes I ignore, sometimes I pay attention to the wrong things, etc etc. In a nutshell, I suck at communication. Which is no one's fault but mine and something I take full responsibility for. I do it very often! I get sidetracked. More excuses!

That being said, forcing me to communicate is, well, not going to put you on my good side! For one, it makes me feel like shit. Secondly, it makes me all prissy. Maybe I shouldn't be! There are times when it's well-deserved and yes, for certain reasons I do deserve a chewing out. And I won't guilt about it forever, but I do have to take into account that I must talk to people.

But there are times when I just want. Everything to shut up. And I think I have a right to say, "I don't want to talk, leave me alone". I would like to think that people have a garner of respect for me to give me that much, but apparently not. But you know. Oz is always there for us, she's useful right?

Sometimes, I wonder if I matter as a person if I'm not some kind of damn sounding board for people.

While I don't talk much, I do like listening. I enjoy listening to little and big things. They might not be my interests, hell, I might not have a clue about what you're talking about! But I just like listening. But that doesn't mean I'll talk! They are not the same thing!

I met an old friend today and just being around her, I felt comfortable with myself again. And she told me some good advice about communicating, something I will probably implement. I will tomorrow, have a long nice chat with [personal profile] wonderseal because she is an amazing wonderful person and I have been neglect in telling her that and drawing comfort from her presence. I will also try to send letters to various people. I want to try! And it's weird and it's hard, guys, it is so hard for me to talk and it distresses me and it makes me hate myself.

I don't like hating myself. Before, I used to martyr myself for it, but I gave up on those concepts a long time ago.

- And on another note. I am tired of justifying my love for SPN. If you don't like it, then that's fine. I like it. No, scratch that, I love it. And I shouldn't have to defend every single time. Because if we're gonna keep doing that, then I call dibs on pointing out the crap in Hetalia and so on. Just saying. And this makes me a terrible person, but frankly my dear, I don't give an assbutt.

- I am tired. Just tired. I want to do something and not be tired. I want to say things and not feel tired at the end of it. I should regress to being an empty-headed person. Because that way, I won't care enough to be tired.

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