quixotic: Fandom | Ava's Demon (Killing me softly)
The Windmill Lover ([personal profile] quixotic) wrote2010-05-24 08:35 pm

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I am going to rant! Ye have been warned all who enter here. Also this is not directed to anyone! Let me very specific here. This is not addressing an incident, but myself mostly.


- So! Here's the thing. I suck at communication. Sometimes, I talk a lot, sometimes I don't talk at all. Sometimes I ignore, sometimes I pay attention to the wrong things, etc etc. In a nutshell, I suck at communication. Which is no one's fault but mine and something I take full responsibility for. I do it very often! I get sidetracked. More excuses!

That being said, forcing me to communicate is, well, not going to put you on my good side! For one, it makes me feel like shit. Secondly, it makes me all prissy. Maybe I shouldn't be! There are times when it's well-deserved and yes, for certain reasons I do deserve a chewing out. And I won't guilt about it forever, but I do have to take into account that I must talk to people.

But there are times when I just want. Everything to shut up. And I think I have a right to say, "I don't want to talk, leave me alone". I would like to think that people have a garner of respect for me to give me that much, but apparently not. But you know. Oz is always there for us, she's useful right?

Sometimes, I wonder if I matter as a person if I'm not some kind of damn sounding board for people.

While I don't talk much, I do like listening. I enjoy listening to little and big things. They might not be my interests, hell, I might not have a clue about what you're talking about! But I just like listening. But that doesn't mean I'll talk! They are not the same thing!

I met an old friend today and just being around her, I felt comfortable with myself again. And she told me some good advice about communicating, something I will probably implement. I will tomorrow, have a long nice chat with [personal profile] wonderseal because she is an amazing wonderful person and I have been neglect in telling her that and drawing comfort from her presence. I will also try to send letters to various people. I want to try! And it's weird and it's hard, guys, it is so hard for me to talk and it distresses me and it makes me hate myself.

I don't like hating myself. Before, I used to martyr myself for it, but I gave up on those concepts a long time ago.

- And on another note. I am tired of justifying my love for SPN. If you don't like it, then that's fine. I like it. No, scratch that, I love it. And I shouldn't have to defend every single time. Because if we're gonna keep doing that, then I call dibs on pointing out the crap in Hetalia and so on. Just saying. And this makes me a terrible person, but frankly my dear, I don't give an assbutt.

- I am tired. Just tired. I want to do something and not be tired. I want to say things and not feel tired at the end of it. I should regress to being an empty-headed person. Because that way, I won't care enough to be tired.
fritillaria: (Default)

[personal profile] fritillaria 2010-05-24 12:56 pm (UTC)(link)
And on another note. I am tired of justifying my love for SPN.

You shouldn't have to justify your love for, well, something you love ever and I'm so sorry that's been happening for you. I don't think there is a "perfect" canon out there.

Good luck with everything, hon. ♥

[personal profile] corinthian 2010-05-24 01:53 pm (UTC)(link)
LOVE-A-LOVE-A


also I hate SPN Timmy :( you horrible person! ( ♥ x a lot )

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kiwikiwi: Yuri Lowell, Tales of Vesperia (ToV: Unsubcribe from my newsletter)

[personal profile] kiwikiwi 2010-05-24 02:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Blarg, yes, "I don't want to talk now" is a completely reasonable request, and one that should be honored EVEN IF IT WASN'T. sorry people are giving you a hard time lately, dear. :\

I happen to not like SPN OR Hetalia, but I like to think I am no so self-absorbed as to tell people they can't like it, just like I'm not going to tell them they can't like Baklava, which makes me actually physically ill.

<3

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fantastic: (spiritedly)

[personal profile] fantastic 2010-05-24 02:47 pm (UTC)(link)
I LOVE YOU

as always. etcetera. Also I will start smacking people for you if you want. :(

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justice: (max is whipping up some whoopass.)

[personal profile] justice 2010-05-24 03:09 pm (UTC)(link)
You and I can unite in our love for Supernatural. Also, I THINK HETALIA PLAYERS GET ENOUGH CRAP AS IT IS. They are equally lambasted for their love.

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chash: Jensen Ackles. (I rock out.)

[personal profile] chash 2010-05-24 03:16 pm (UTC)(link)
wait you like supernatural? now i can't be your friend!!1

...oh no dude don't eat the raw meat NOT THE RAW MEAT AAAAAAAAA EWWW WHY

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comfortingsounds: (Films: Eternal Sunshine - Walk with me)

[personal profile] comfortingsounds 2010-05-24 03:34 pm (UTC)(link)
HONEY, you're amazing and you matter a lot as a person.

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nekokoban: Meiko (the stars her heart)

[personal profile] nekokoban 2010-05-24 04:09 pm (UTC)(link)
There is always going to be something wrong with every canon you come across, because nothing is perfect for everyone. :|a But hey, it's super-easy to be like "oh, you like this thing I do not, that's cool, let us talk about something we do both enjoy! huzzah!" and suddenly it's so much easier. :|a Myself, I enjoy SPN and Hetalia but I am so behind on both that hell if I really know what's going on, except for the occasional yelling from Katy and/or Alison. :Db

Re: communication, I think that possibly one of the hardest things to do is to recognize a problem within yourself and try to change it, especially when it's an ingrained habit. It's super-easy to get grumpy and defensive, because you're like, "I know it's a problem! I'm working on it! GO AWAY." But ultimately, you have to just try and find the happy medium between giving people what they want and keeping true to yourself, which is also difficult.

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perrito: Rainbow bunchie, the FINAL BOSS OF THE INTERNET. (FINAL BOSS OF THE INTERNET)

[personal profile] perrito 2010-05-24 05:39 pm (UTC)(link)
WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US?

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vector: (not hatched yet)

[personal profile] vector 2010-05-24 06:32 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeeeaah. I also suck at communication! But in different ways, I think, where I tend to assume people don't want to talk to me except in exceptional circumstances. The amount you do for people is kind of mind-boggling to me. So, yes! You are allowed time for yourself! Saying "I don't want to talk right now" is totally a valid statement, and, I think, more honest communication than trying to talk when you don't want to. <3

Also I have endless rants about differences of opinion on canons and such, so I will leave those out for now and just go: :( I am sorry SPN is such a whipping-boy fandom when it's something you love so much and its flaws are hardly unique or unusual.
defeatedbyabridge: (Default)

[personal profile] defeatedbyabridge 2010-05-24 10:16 pm (UTC)(link)
::hugs::
ennui: (debating the merits of hiding)

[personal profile] ennui 2010-05-25 12:00 am (UTC)(link)
Communication is really damn difficult, no matter where you stand on it. And you are completely justified in asking people to back off when you don't feel like talking. Frankly, I would rather people feel comfortable enough to tell me to leave them alone when they're not feeling social, because I tend to be oblivious and not always pick up on those cues. It's a respect issue, really.

Also, I am echoing what Juri said about how you shouldn't have to justify your love for anything.

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wonderseal: (I'm really worried about you.)

[personal profile] wonderseal 2010-05-25 02:02 am (UTC)(link)
...I didn't realize I got a shout-out. Ilu bb. I look forward to talking ♥

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starbird: (sh: holmes has no time for this BS)

[personal profile] starbird 2010-05-25 02:33 am (UTC)(link)
[hugs]

Communication is hard! I know I've been sucking at it lately. >_> And I definitely hear you on the tired. [naps on]

Shame on people for harshing your squee. :< It's one thing not to like a series, but another to put someone who does like it in the position of having to defend it. Just liking it should be enough.
rui: (giant steps)

[personal profile] rui 2010-05-25 06:32 am (UTC)(link)
TALKING IS HARD. Seriously, seriously hard. And yeah, there might be certain people whom we as other people owe honest communication, but like. Talking D: Especially when Feelings are involved. There's a couple different kinds of 'open', and sometimes people mistake someone who listens or even someone who is chatty for someone who finds it easy to talk about themselves.

Ganbatte faito faito! And if your communication experiments are successful you should share this advice.
aragorn: (That boy needs therapy)

[personal profile] aragorn 2010-05-25 10:11 am (UTC)(link)
ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO TELL ME TO SHUT UP. I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME. ♥

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amphetamine: Chris Colfer and Dianna Agron (He's my best friend)

[personal profile] amphetamine 2010-05-27 05:27 pm (UTC)(link)
So very late BUT [HUGS]

And on another note. I am tired of justifying my love for SPN. AMEN TO THIS.